


I'll See You Again

by mothmanaintshit



Series: Shepard and Garrus [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Humor, Love/Hate, Masturbation in Shower, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-02 21:38:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4074745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothmanaintshit/pseuds/mothmanaintshit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garrus Vakarian has been chosen to become the next Spectre, taking Saren Arterius' place on the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance force on the Citadel. It has been one month since Shepard, and her crew, had taken down Saren on the Citadel — Giving her the new title: Savior of the Citadel. Garrus was the last to speak to her, off her ship, when the Collectors attacked. He fell off the grid not soon after, hearing his mother had developed Corpalis Syndrome and his father and sister hounding him about how he lives his life made him snap. He ran. Away from the Spectres, the Council, his family and friends... he started anew, on Omega.</p><p>Two years later, Shepard showed up on the bridge, helping him escape the life or death situation he forced himself into while creating a merc band on Omega. Now all the hopes and dreams he had locked away and made into a false, sick fantasy came crashing back onto him. He was still in love with the Commander, his Commander, but he understands that the mission comes first. Helping Shepard defeat the Collectors.</p><p>“Just like old times, Shepard.” —Garrus Vakarian</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hymn For The Missing

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Summary: It's been a month since The Battle of The Citadel. Tali has left the Normandy to return to her fleet, Wrex has left to walk his own path and Garrus as returned to the Citadel to work on becoming a Spectre. Garrus comms Shepard to tell her the good news, he will be appointed as a Spectre soon, but something goes horribly wrong.

 

**I See You Again**

**Chapter One:** Hymn for The Missing

* * *

Shepard groaned, pushing datapads away from her being as she stood from her bed. She ran a hand over her shaved head, the other perching on her cocked hip, scratching the back of her head as she looked down at the endless reports. Reporters asking for interviews, the Council asking for help with meaningless thing once she finished taking care of the last of the geth, messages from her contacts and friends she hasn’t seen in months. 

Her eyes lit up as a notification sound went off on her console, looking over to see the video conference call notification pop up on her screen. Shepard picked up a random datapad from the pile and walked over to the desk, waving her fingers over the answer call holo button as she sat down. 

“Hel—” 

“ ** _This_** _is Shepard?_ ”

“—lo?” Shepard looked up at the screen and raised an eyebrow as an asari was suddenly pushed off screen.

A voice sounded off screen. A voice that made Shepard’s heart skip a beat closed in towards the console. “ _Dammit, M'Kili! I told you not to touch anything!_ ” 

Shepard set the data pad down and leaned back into her chair, smirking, as Garrus came into view. 

“ _I can see why you did a double take in the mirror, Garrus._ ” Zenees looked over Garrus’ shoulder towards the console, wiggling her non-existence eyebrows towards the Commander, _“She’s hella sexy!”_

“ _Shut it!_ ” Garrus' mandibles flared in annoyance as he pushed the asari away again.

“Vakarian, I didn't expect to hear from you for a couple more days.” Shepard laughed, running a hand through her hair before pulling the tresses over her shoulder. “Aren't you supposed to be training right now?”

“ _And her voice: **unff** —_”

 _“M'Kili!”_ Garrus shoot a look over his shoulder towards the asari officer.

“ _What?_ ” Zenees whined, pouting out her bottom lip.

“ _Wait in the other room, Zenees._ ” 

“ _Can I ask her something first?_ ” Zenees asked, jumping up and down in excitement. Garrus crossed his arms and glared at Zenees.

“ _Come on! It's freaking Commander Shepard! Just let me ask one question, Garrus! Please!_ ” Garrus sighed and turned towards Shepard.

“Do you mind, Shepard?”

The Commander smiled, stretching her arms over her head and nodding, “Not in the slightest, Vakarian.”

Garrus took a few steps away from the console, keeping a close eye on Zenees as she stepped in front of the console.

“ _Commander Shepard_ ,” Zenees stepped in front of the console, leaning forward with a seductive smile on her lips, “ _When was the last time you… **embraced** eternity?_ ”

“ ** _M'Kili_**!” Zenees laughed as Garrus pulled her away from the console and shut her out of the room. Shepard crossed her arms and watched the screen, amused and curious, as Garrus mumbled to himself about the damned asari.

“She's nice.” Shepard commented, tilting her head back. “Who is she?”

“ _Zenees M'Kili. I'm helping her with sniper training._ _She’s also a C-Sec Agent in training.”_ Garrus' mandible twitched as he fidgeted with his talons. Shepard watched Garrus carefully, taking mental notes of every fidget and purr that the turian couldn’t hide.

“Trouble in paradise, Vakarian?” Shepard inquired with a frown.

Garrus moved back to the console, sitting down, “ _The very opposite, actually. The turian councilor, Sparatus, he… he wants to meet with me tomorrow afternoon._ ”

Shepard leaned forward, uncrossing her arms. She furrowed her brows when she saw Garrus fidget in his chair, “Garrus?”

“ _There’s been rumors going around the past week about me being the last option for a new Turian Spectre._ ”

Shepard beamed, “You're becoming a Spectre?”

Garrus cleared his throat, scratching at his mandible, “ _Well, it isn't official but—_ ”

“You're becoming a Spectre! I knew you could do it!” Shepard laughed, standing up quick and ‘whooping’ in the air, before falling back with a laugh, “Congratulations, Vakarian.”

“ _Thanks, Shepard_.” Garrus chuckled, looking away from the console, “ _If it wasn't for you, this wouldn't have been possible._ ”

“We've gotta celebrate.” Shepard leaned forward, pursing her lips in thought, “I'm docking on the Citadel next week to resupply. I'm sure I could sneak away for a while and met you at the Presidium?” 

“ _Shepard, you don't—_ ”

“I'll buy you anything you want?” Shepard sang and crossed her arms, leaning back in her chair, “I seem to recall you liking a certain restaurant with certain fried dextro meat, there turian brandy wasn't half bad either.”

Shepard laughed, “I remember being called down to the shuttle bay because you were climbing on top of the Mako with Wrex and screaming something about calibrating _guns_ and destroying ‘unjusticess’.”

Garrus cleared his throat, mumbling a ‘thank you for reminding me’, “ _Yes, well… when you put it **that** way. I'll see you there, Shepard._ ”

“Good.” Shepard chirped sitting up straight.

“ _How's everyone on the Normandy?_ ” Garrus leaned his arms against the desk in front of him.

“The same as usual. Liara’s been helping Kaidan with some of his biotics, they've been a little… _unstable_ lately.”

“ _How is Alenko doing? You two still a thing?_ ” 

“We are… for… _now_.” Shepard's cringed as she stared down at the reports, her fingers twitching against the table, “He told me he loves me and I... I don't think I'm ready for love. At least… at least not with him.” 

“ _He didn't take it well?_ ” 

“I haven't said it back and… I think he knows that I don’t love him the way he loves me.” Shepard sighed and leaned her head in her hands, “I'm going to end it with him when this mission is over.”

Garrus remained silent as Shepard continued, “I asked Liara what could be causing his biotics to activate without his consent. She thinks it’s most likely emotional, his subconscious noticing the changes with us — with the whole relationship. Which is why Liara is helping him...” 

Shepard picked her head up, staring towards the cabin door, “Shit, Garrus… this _sucks_. I'm stuck on a ship with him until he gets assigned a new mission – and I don't think he ever _will_. Admiral Hackett thinks we work perfectly together—” 

“ _You do._ ” Garrus finally spoke, cutting in on Shepard’s rant, “ _He's saved your ass, you've saved his—_ ”

“Just like any other team member does.” Shepard said, motioning with her hands towards him. “You did it, Liara did it, Wrex did it, Ash did it, Tali did it; _everyone_ does it… I think I would be able to tolerate it more if I had someone to talk to — I mean, I have Liara but that's it, we aren't super close like me and you are, or me and Tali or Wrex. And Tali's back with the fleet… Wrex is God-knows-where and you—”

Shepard paused, meeting Garrus’ curious gaze through the console. A smile tugged at the edges of her lips, body relaxing as she breathed out, “You’re becoming a _Spectre_.”

“ _You think I'll get my own ship when I'm appointed a Spectre?_ ” Garrus chose to change the subject, and Shepard was silently thankful. Garrus always knew how to pick up on her discomfort, even when they were millions of miles apart.

“Hell, if they don't give you one you're getting back on the Normandy, Vakarian.” Shepard chuckled, leaning her chin against her open palm and looking at the turian on the screen.

“ _I’ll take you up on that offer, **Spectre** Shepard._ ”

“It would still be _Commander Shepard_ to you, Vakarian.” Shepard stuck her tongue out before laughing.

“ _I figured as much._ ” Garrus did his awkward turian smile that made Shepard laugh.

“Now,” Shepard spoke once her laughing died down, “was there something else you wanted to speak to me about, Garrus? I’m not super busy, but I’m sure someone’s going to be knocking on that door and pulling me away from you at any moment.”

“ _Uh— Y— yes, actually. I wanted to… um…_ ” Shepard watched Garrus, curious and worried, as he stumbled over his words. She was sure her translator glitched a few times when she thought she heard chirping and a few, choice turian curses. She tilted her head closer to the screen when she saw his mandibles flare then press against his jaw tightly. 

“I'm sure my translator just glitched, _probably_ , but… did you just _chirp_?” Shepard picked up a stray pen that was on her desk and started to chew on it. Garrus stopped fidgeting and cleared his throat.

“ _Shepard, I—_ ” Garrus looked up at the console, “ _I wanted to ask you something. I… I wanted to ask you this while we were going after Saren but you had a lot to deal with, so I just… Even when you were dropping me back off on the Citadel I..._ ”

Garrus' mandibles pressed together, his head hanging as he tried to think of what to say. He's thought about saying this, asking this, since after she helped Talitha on the Citadel only just a few months ago. But now that the time has arrived to actually say them, he was mute.

“Garrus?” Shepard's spoke in a whisper, Garrus barely able to hear it on his side of the comm link.

Garrus took a deep breath, “ _Shepard, I li—_ ”

“Urgh!” Shepard fell from her chair as the Normandy shook.

“ _Taking evasive maneuvers!_ ” Jokers voice hissed onto the intercom.

“Joker!” Shepard quickly stood, moving over to the other side of the room where her armor laid, “Status report!”

“ _Kinetic barriers are down!_ ” Joker voice yelled from the intercom, “ _Multiple hull breaches! Weapons offline!_ ” 

“ ** _Shepard_** _!_ ” Garrus was frantic as he watched Shepard suit up. 

“ _Somebody get that fire out!_ ” Joker yelled again. Shepard ran back over to the console, picking up her helmet that laid on the edge of the table. 

“ _Shepard, I—_ ”

“I'll see you next week for drinks, _Spectre_ Garrus Vakarian.” Shepard flashed him a beaming smile, “I'm so proud of—” 

**...Transmission Interrupted...**

 


	2. Breathe Into Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Freedom's Progress] Shepard awakens, forced to work for Cerberus and heads for Freedoms Progress with Jacob and Miranda, who she does not trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: T  
> Rating: M  
> Characters: Shepard, Miranda, Jacob, Tali, Prazza, Veetor  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

“Two... _Two years_?” Shepard's head was refusing to wrap around the idea that she's been gone that long, “M— My team? What happened to them? To Joker? Liara? Kaidan? D— Did they get off the Normandy? D— Did they… Did... they...” Shepard started to hyperventilate, her knees going weak as she clutched onto her chest. Jacob caught her before she fell to the ground, helping her move over to one of the chairs in the new station. Once Jacob let go of Shepard she started pulling off her armor until she was down the Cerberus uniform she woke up in. She leaned forward and took deep breathes, her fingers digging into her thighs as she tried to calm herself.

“Shepard,” Miranda voice was soft as she took a seat next to the Commander, “I know this is a lot to take in but the Illusive Man—”

“He can wait, Miranda.” Jacob crossed his arms and shook his head, “She woke up, was attack, was forced into coming with us and now was just told it's been two years and twelve days since the SR1 was destroyed. She's earned the right to take a few minutes to herself.”

“How... How many of my crew didn't... didn't make it?” Shepard spoke in between breathes, looking up at the two.

“Twenty others were lost. You were the only one reported MIA, the others were confirmed dead.”

“Kaidan?”

“Alive.” Miranda nodded.

“Liara?”

“Also alive.” Jacob smiled a little.

“Uh... Doctor Chakwas? Pressley? Joker? Shit... Shit, shit, _shit_... uh...” Shepard pressed her palms to her forehead, clamping her eyes shut.

“All of your friends made it, Commander.” Miranda assured her.

“Friends?” Shepard's head shot up, “ _Friends_? It isn't about friends, Miranda! They were my crew! _My_ team! They all helped me take down Saren, even if they weren't holding a damn gun to do it! I was supposed to look after them! _Me_! Their Commander!” Shepard huffed and let her head fall forward.

“I... I failed them...” Shepard croaked out, forcing the tears away.

“Your crew is why we brought you back, Shepard.” Miranda forced a smile on her face, “We know it wasn't the geth who attacked you. For over a year, humanities colonies in the Terminus Systems have been going missing and both the Council and the Alliance aren't doing anything! We need your help, Shepard.”

Shepard scoffed, “Did you ever ask yourself that maybe Commander Shepard didn't want to be brought back from the dead to do Cerberus' dirty work?”

Shepard looked at them both and dryly laughed, not an ounce of humor in her short chuckles. “Of _course_ not... Just take me to this damned Illusive Man.”

"Alright, Shepard," Miranda stood up. "Follow me."

* * *

Freedoms Progress, a human colony out in the Terminus System, has suddenly gone silent. The only had military defenses they have is mechs, a few LOKI and FENRIS machines. The colonists are civilians, no undercover soldiers or sleeper agents were in the colony. And even if they were, they wouldn't have been able to hold off whatever abducted them, The Illusive Man told her. Other colonies had defense system, automated turrets or veterans, but this one had nothing but _mechs_.

This was Shepard's first mission working with Cerberus, also with Miranda and Jacob. She didn't take too kindly with Miranda, she was cocky, brash, _fake_ — Jacob though, he was _real_. He told her who she would be working for, very well knowing she wouldn't like it, maybe even shoot him, but still thought she deserved to know. She couldn't believe Cerberus resurrected her, how the hell did they even get her body?

“Looks like everyone just got up and left right in the middle of dinner.” Jacob commented behind her as they entered the first building from the landing zone. Shepard pulled out her pistol, aiming it forward as she walked around the colony. She activated _Incendiary Ammo_ as they walked down from the building.

“Strange,” Miranda started, looking around the abandoned area, “No bodies. No structural damage. No signs of battle.” Shepard moved over to the large bay doors, pressing the holo button to open them.

“Get to cover!” Shepard called as the LOKI mechs activated around them.

“Hear that? Sounds like FENRIS mechs.” Jacob skid to cover with Shepard, using pull to float a LOKI mech towards them from the other balcony. Miranda overloaded the FENRIS mech, Shepard and herself shooting it as Jacob took care of the LOKI mechs.

“Those mechs shouldn't have been hostile,” Jacob came out from behind cover once the mechs were taken care of. “They should have recognized us as human.”

“Someone reprogrammed them to attack on sight. We're not alone here.” Miranda looked around, carefully watching for anymore movement.

“Let's keep going.” Shepard motioned for them to follow. They walked up the stairs to the next building. As they walked out of the building, another LOKI and FENRIS mech attacked them. Shepard and the others took it down without a problem, Shepard moving past the exploded mechs to hack the next door.

“Stop right there!” A quarian male yelled as they entered the building. Miranda and Jacob held up their guns towards the quarians as Shepard put her pistol away.

“Stand down.” She turned her head to Jacob and Miranda.

“Prazza! You said you'd let me handle this!” A quarian female came out from behind the other quarians, pushing his gun down and holding her hand up to Shepard and her crew.

“Wait... _Shepard_?” The quarian female froze, taking a breath.

“I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives!” Prazza raised his gun towards the three again. Shepard looked back at Miranda as she reloaded her weapon.

“Put those weapons down!” Tali leaned towards Prazza, daring him to fire at her. He grunted, finally, letting his weapon fall to his side.

“Shepard?” Tali turned her head to look at her, “Is that... you're alive?”

“Tali,” Shepard took a step forward, smiling, “It's me... I'm real.”

Tali was hesitant to believe, “Why are you were Cerberus?”

“They brought me back, Tali. I don't know how but I do know why. Human colonies, like this one, are being taken. Both the Alliance and the Council are ignoring the issue.” Shepard explained, “I know Cerberus has a bad past, but they're the only group investigating these missing colonies. I need to find out what's happening. We could work together here—”

“Tali!” Prazza cut in, “You aren't seriously considering working with Cerberus!”

“You aren't working with Cerberus, Prazza, you're working for me. We need the help searching the area and you know it.” Tali pointed at Prazza before looking back at Shepard, “One of our people was here on Pilgrimage. His name is Veetor. We came to find him.”

“Here?” Shepard's eyebrows raised in surprise, “At a human colony?”

“Veetor is... shy. He doesn't do well in large crowds and he doesn't handle stressful situations very we—”

“She means he's mentally unstable.” Prazza crossed his arms.

“... Yes.” Tali hissed, “We saw him when we landed. We tried speaking to him but he ran, sent the mechs to attack us when we followed. His suit is ruptured and without proper treatment soon... he won't make it, Shepard.”

“Veetor needs help,” Shepard nodded, “Working together is our best chance to get to him.”

“Agreed,” Tali nodded, smiling behind her mask, “Head for the warehouse through the center of the colony. We'll circle around the far side and draw off some of the drones to clear you a path.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Shepard nodded, pulling out her pistol, “Be careful, Tali.”

“You too, Shepard.” Tali pulled out her shotgun and turned to her squad, “Move out.” Tali nodded to Shepard one last time before heading out a door adjacent to the one heading to the warehouse with her squad.

“The quarians are an unexpected variable.” Miranda eyed the door, “They could help us, but I'd hope to keep an eye on them.”

“You're welcome to go with them, Miranda,” Shepard rolled her eyes, walking towards the other door, “You might learn a thing or two from them.” Shepard lead the way towards the warehouse, taking down any drones and mechs that blocked their path.

“ _Hurry, Shepard! We're inside the loading docks!_ ” Tali spoke through Shepard's earpiece.

“We're almost there, Tali.” Shepard grunted, ducking behind a crate as another drone appeared. Miranda overloaded it's shields, Shepard shooting it down.

“ _Veetor is reprogramming the heavy mech! If you open the door now we'll be able to take it down without incident!_ ”

“Opening the warehouse doors now!” Shepard yelled, running towards the door and slamming her fist against the holo button. The door slide down as the mech activated, Tali's squad ducking behind a few stray crates.

“ _We're almost out of ammo and we've just used our last medi-gel, Shepard! We need you to take it down! We'll help but you need to get it's attention!_ ” Tali whispered through her earpiece.

“We're taking this thing down!” Shepard pulled out her shotgun, “Come on!” Shepard _Charged_ towards the heavy mech, passing through it and shooting her shotgun. She jumped over a crate and ducked under cover as the mech turned his attention away from Tali's group. Miranda overloaded it's shields, sending a _Warp_ when it's shields were down to wear down the armor.

“Prazza! What are you doing? Get back here!” Shepard hear Tali scream from across the courtyard. She looked over cover to see Prazza running towards a locked door. She looked at the mech as it changed its focus onto Prazza.

“Shit.” Shepard jumped over cover and ran towards Prazza as he began to hack the door. The mech took it's stance, powering up it's heavy weapon. Shepard ran faster as her squad and Tali's attacked the mech, sliding when she closed in on Prazza and creating a biotic barrier around them both, blocking off the heavy mechs attack.

“Idiot!” Shepard hissed behind her as Prazza continued to hack the doors, “You almost died!” Prazza glanced over his shoulder at Shepard but didn't reply. Shepard took down the biotic barrier and pulled out her pistol, aiming at mech as it reloaded it's heavy weapon. Miranda stretched her arm out, her omnitool activating as she overloaded the mech, shutting it down before it exploded. Shepard panted and leaned against the railing in front of her, looking over at Tali.

“Your team... they okay?” Shepard spoke between breaths.

“A few minor injuries.” Tali and her squad came out of cover, walking up the Shepard, Miranda and Jacob silently trailing behind the quarians, “Nothing we can't take care of on our ship.”

Shepard nodded, turning towards Prazza, “Do you always ignore command?”

“Only when it involves Cerberus.” Prazza hissed at her, standing up as he successfully hacked the door.

“I'll deal with you back on the ship.” Shepard could see Tali's eyes narrow at the other quarian through her mask, “Veetor might have picked up a weapon so shields up. Shepard—”

“Miranda, Jacob, stay out here. There could be more mechs or drones around.” Shepard looked at the two.

“Understood, Commander.” Jacob nodded to her.

“After you, Tali.” Shepard motioned to the door. Tali nodded to Shepard who pressed the holo button. The door slip open, Tali walking in with Shepard and the other quarians following close behind.

“Monsters coming back.” Veetor sat in a chair, facing away from the others, looking up at a wall full of monitors showing life signs, radio waves, comm frequencies, “Mechs will protect. Safe from swarms. Have to hide. No monsters. No swarms. No- no- no- no- no.”

Tali and Shepard shared a worried expression as Veetor rambled.

“Veetor?” Shepard spoke, taking a step a head of Tali.

“No Veetor here. Not here. Swarms can't fine. Monsters coming. Have to hid.” Veetor continued to ramble, his fingers pressing against the holo buttons to keep his mind away from the monsters.

“Veetor. You're safe now— nobody's going to hurt you anymore.” Shepard held her hands up before letting them fall back to her sides, “I have Tali her—”

“Have to hide. Have to hide—” Shepard activated her omni-tool, waving it in front of her. The monitors in front of Veetor shut down, a red triangle with an exclamation mark showed on each screen. Veetor looked up at the monitors confused, his hands falling away from the holo interface.

“Veetor?” Shepard spoke again, in a softer tone.

Veetor looked over his should before standing up, “Y— You're human. Where did you hide? How come they didn't find you?”

“Who didn't find me, Veetor?”

“The— The monsters. T— The swarms. They took _everyone_.” Veetor started to stutter, looking around alarmed.

“Who are 'they', Veetor?” Tali took a step forwards, next to Shepard, “Who took the colonists?”

“I do know. You don't know. You didn't see. I did. The monsters.” Veetor turned back towards the interface and pressed a few holo buttons. The screens were static, reactivating, before a series of vids were shown.

“Security footage.” Tali tilted her head, crossing her arms, “Veetor seemed to have pieced it together... manually.”

Shepard moved closer to the monitors, furrowing her brows at the blurry footage. A group of bug-like aliens walked along floating stasis pods, weapons in hand. Their four eyes glowed as they walked across the screen. Swarms of small insects were flying around in the footage, one stopping on a camera and looking into it.

“What the hell are those things?” Prazza gasped behind them, watching the footage in awe.

“My god.” Miranda pushed through the quarians, gaping at the monitors. “I think it's a Collector.”

“Collectors?” Shepard sighed. “What the hell are they doing out of the Omega-4 relay and why are they taking humans?”

“The Collectors have advanced technology,” Jacob walked up next to Miranda, “They could have a weapon that disables an entire settlement at once.”

“The seeker swarms.” Veetor froze the footage as another seeker swarmer landed on the camera, “No one can hide. The seekers fine you. Freeze you. Then the monsters take you away.”

“How did you get away, Veetor?” Tali looked at him, “Why weren't you effected by the swarms?”

“Swarms didn't find me. Monsters didn't know I was here.” Veetor mumbled, playing with his fingers.

“The Collectors aren't know for being careless.” Jacob crossed his arms.

“Maybe his environmental suit kept him from showing up on their sensors?” Tali offered, shrugging.

“They've only been taking human's, right?” Shepard turned to Jacob and Miranda, “Maybe the seeker swarms only seek out humans. Look at the footage, the Collectors are walking around while those things are still flying.”

“It's a possibility,” Miranda nodded, rubbing the back of her neck.

“What happened next?” Tali looked back at Veetor.

“The monsters took the people onto the ship, and then they left. The ship flew away. But they'll be back for me— no one escapes!”

“Veetor—”

“I studied them.” Veetor cut Tali off, “The monsters, the swarms. I recorded them with my omni-tool. Lots of readings. Electro-magnetic. Dark energy.”

“We need to get the data to the Illusive Man. Grab the quarian, I'll call the shuttle to come pick us up.” Miranda activated her omni-tool.

“What?” Tali turned to Miranda, “Veetor is injured! He needs treatment, not an interrogation!” Shepard opened her mouth and was quickly cut off by Miranda.

“We won't hurt him. We just need to see if he knows anything else, he'll be returned unharmed and—”

“No!” Tali looked at Shepard, “You can't—”

“We're not.” Shepard glared at Miranda, “We'll take his omni-tool data and the footage. We don't need him to confirm what we already see.”

“Commander—”

“That's an order, Ms. Lawson.” Shepard leaned forward, glaring at Miranda, “He's going back with his people.”

Miranda glared at Tali, “... _Fine_.”

“Thank you, Shepard.” Tali motioned for her crew to take Veetor back to the ship.

“Collectors...” Shepard spoke after Tali's squad was out the door with Veetor, shaking her head in disbelief, “ _Shit_.”

“What does that mean for you, Shepard?” Tali asked, turning to her friend.

“...It means Cerberus is right, for once,” Shepard looked back up at the monitors, a distinct frown on her face, “And I have to work for them.”

“I'm sorry, Shepard.” Tali moved forward, away from Miranda and Jacob, “I know they are the last people you want to be around.”

“Sure you don't want to come along?” Shepard looked at Tali, a small smile forming on her lips, “It'd be like old times.”

“I can't, Shepard.” Tali sighed, “I'm sorry.”

“I understand.” Shepard nodded, “I hope to see you again, once I've ditched Cerberus and saved the galaxy... again.”

Tali laughed and pulled Shepard in for a hug, “I'll hold you to it.”


	3. Fight Inside for Nothing and Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Before/During Dossier: Archangel] [Part 1] Shepard is contacted by Zenees M'Kili, a former student of Garrus Vakarian while he was undergoing Spectre training. [Part 2] Garrus thinks about his time with Shepard while at the main hideout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: E  
> Rating: E  
> Characters: [Part 1] Shepard, Zenees [Part 2] Garrus, Sidonis, Father Vakarian  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

 

**[Part 1]**

_Commander Shepard? This is Zenees M'Kili. We spoke briefly before the Normandy was destroyed two years ago.  
Garrus Vakarian was my training officer before he disappeared after your death.   
When I heard you were alive, I had to track you down and send you a message._

_I want to join your crew, Commander._

_Garrus has told me about the Normandy, how diverse your crew is, how you command. I want to be a part of that._

_If you do decide to allow me to join, send me a message back._  
If I don't receive a message back within a week (because I know you're a very busy woman) I'll assume your answer is no.   
And if it is no: stay safe, Shepard.   


_If Garrus has heard by now that you're alive... I don't think he could handle losing you second time._

_—Zenees M'Kili_

Shepard smiled, reading over Zenees’ message again as she took a sip of water. She leaned back against the chair, observing her cabin as she thought out how to reply. 

It would be a pleasure to work with Zenees, that was for certain. Maybe she’ll even know where Garrus was.

 _Killing two birds with one stone_ , Shepard mused with a smile.

 _It would be a pleasure to have you aboard the Normandy, Zenees. We’ll be docking on the Citadel in four hours.  
_ _If you're on the station, meet me in front of the human embassies._  
If you aren't, send a message back when you can and we'll decided where to meet up. Hope to see or hear back from you soon.

 _—Commander Clover Shepard_  

**[Part 2]**

Garrus pulled his visor off as he entered the small shower room, setting it next to the sink as the door slid shut behind him. He hated the showers in this little hide out of theirs, always freeze water, but at least it's kept them safe this far.

His squad was amazing, the best of the best on Omega. They've successfully taken down every merc that crossed them, which pleased everyone both on and off Omega; save for the merc's who have died and the ones that are left, but they'll be dying pretty soon.

Garrus pulled off the rest of his armor and turned the water on. He shivered as the bitter water hit his skin. He tilted his head up, allowing the water to pour down his face.

He wondered if Shepard would be proud of him with what he's doing on Omega. He knows she would love who he's working with now. He could imagine the shenanigans her and Sidonis would get into. Both liked to cause trouble. She'd be happy for him; say he's doing good, but he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. Hell, he'd still be stuck on the damned Citadel, red tape blocking him from doing things the right way. 

He would be dead too, most likely. 

Garrus' mandibles pressed against his jaw as he thought of her.

He would also be Spectre right now, with her at his side. Fighting crime, kicking ass, killing anything that stood against them.

She would be furious with him right now. He's ignored everything since she passed. He walked away from becoming a Spectre, talked away from his family, his friends. Spirits, he didn't even remember the last time he talked to his family. He could see her now, slapping the back of his head and hissing at him about why the fuck he could just _walk away_ from becoming a Spectre. She would tell him how he earned it, _deserved_ it, how he almost died for it.

All the crap she's helped him with just to turn away and forget everything she's taught him.

“She would most definitely be kicking my ass.” Garrus mumbled, rolling his neck. 

He sighed.

He missed Shepard. 

It's been over two years since she was reported MIA. Still, no body has been found and the Alliance gave up searching for her remains eight months ago. They still haven't changed her status though. MIA was everyone in the tabloids and news.

He wished he could go back to the beginning, when he first met Shepard in the Citadel Tower. He would give anything to relive that moment, over and over, until he died. They talked for a minute, just one _measly_ minute, and it changed everything for him.

She helped him take down Dr. Saleon. She helped him come to the conclusion that he was a hell of a soldier and deserved to be a Spectre. She helped him grow and step out of his father’s shadow.

“I know I'm not a turian, I don't understand how turians work or why children need to follow in their parent’s footsteps but _who the hell **cares**_ _what your **father**_ _wants_?” Shepard stood in front of him one day, slightly drunk, all the pent up frustration from the missions was being let out in convincing Garrus to go back to Spectre training, “What do _you_ want, Vakarian? Huh? Are you going to go back to C-sec, with all that goddamn _red tape_ and be miserably for the rest of your turian life? _Or_ are you going to do what you want to do? What you have the potential to do? Are you going to be the Garrus Vakarian you deserve to be or the incompetent C-sec turian that doesn't know good from goddamn bad?”

He remembered Ash yelling across the bay about using God's name in vain, which Shepard did apologize for after Garrus was fully convinced to go back to the Citadel and join Spectre Training.

“Atta boy.” She beamed, breath laced with cheap beer. Her smile made his heart hammer in his chest, made his stomach twist in his gut, made him realize that maybe having a face that could show emotions wouldn’t be half bad.

 _Spirits_. Her smile. 

He could look at it all day.

And her lips... _damn_.

They were full and plump, every so often bitten down and dry from stress, every morning when she would step out of her quarters. How when she would argue with others they became thin and cruel, curling at the edges in a sneer. 

He always wanted to trace her lips with his talon, feel the skin's texture shift underneath his fingers.

Turian women weren't as soft and squishy as humans were. He _used_ to like it. He never understood how others, save for the Asari, were attracted to humans.

Humans and turians would be the last species to ever jump into bed together, even though it's been twenty-nine years since the First Contact War. Turians and humans were still butting heads left and right. Anderson has helped a lot on the Council but it's only a matter of time before someone fucks something up again.

He imaged Shepard again, standing by his side with a wicked smile and a one-liner that could make even the coldest of hearts chuckle.

He cursed when his mind started to get dirtier and dirtier by the second.

Shepard standing in front of him in this very shower, pinned between himself and the wall. She’d stare up at him with lidded eyes, her tongue darting out to wet her lips before purring his name.

“Spirits,” Garrus hissed, seeing his cock had started to unsheathe itself. You'd think with the temperature of this damned water he wouldn't be getting aroused so damn easily. He could feel the back of his neck heating up. He shook his head, trying to ignore the aching erection as it twitched when his mind dipped back into the fantasy of having Shepard here with him. 

 _Fuck it._  

Groaning, Garrus dropped one hand to his cock, rubbing his palm over his erection. 

His cock ached, hard and throbbing, and he didn’t care in the least that someone could walk into the showers and see him like this. He lost himself in the memory of her, her smile, her hair, that stupid human shampoo she used that made her smell like rosemary and mint. He purred, grabbing himself, and started stroking. Cursing hoarsely under his breath, he braced his free hand against the wall and moaned.

Images of Shepard ran through his mind. When she would sit on the Mako and speak to him about Spectre training. How she would scrunch her nose up when she heard something she didn't agree with. How excited she looked whenever she was driving the Mako while everyone screamed in the back. 

A throating chuckle escaped his lips before he whimpered, “Shepard…” 

Garrus purred as he continued to stroke himself. Groaning and hissing as the image of Shepard changed quickly from just images to something more. Shepard would stalk up behind him, turn him around and press him against the wall. The smug smirk he hadn't seen in Spirits-knows-how-long would grace her lips as she looked down at his erect cock. Licking her lips, she would move down until she caught his head between wet lips, swirling her tongue around and then over the slit, his fingers gripping into her hair as he would purr and growl her name.

With a quiet gasp, he arched into his fist, driving his cock between his fingers. She would slide him all the way into her mouth, his head hitting the back of her throat, before humming around him. He would yank her head down, thrusting harder and harder into her mouth.

Garrus licked his lip palates at the fantasy, moving faster and faster on himself. He could feel his body temperature rise higher, the cool water doing nothing to help his growing temperature, until finally he felt himself come all over his hand.

He panted, pressed his forehead against the wall and cursing in his head. The best orgasm he’d ever had, but she wasn't there. She would never come back. He would never get to touch her, hold her, fuck her.

_Damn it, Shepard. I should have told you how I felt sooner. Just… damn it all to hell._

There was a knock on the door, “Garrus?” It was Sidonis.

“Where have you been, Sidonis?” Garrus cleaned himself off as he spoke with his second-in-command. His mandibles twitching against in jaw as Sidonis cleared his throat.

“Got a lead on Garm and the Blood Pack.” Sidonis spoke through the door, “They're heading back into the Kenzo District. Smuggling illegal guns.” 

“ _Just_ guns?” Garrus looked at the door, questioning.

 “Just guns.” Sidonis mumbled.

“Alright,” Garrus spoke after a long pause, “I'll head out soon.”

“Understood. See you when you get back.”

* * *

Everything was wrong. Everything was so fucking wrong! 

How did it get this way so quickly? 

His squad dead.

Sidonis running away like the traitor he is.

He was _stuck_ , hiding under cover while the fucking hideout was being bombed by merc's.

 _All_ the fucking merc's. 

He's killed every merc that has walked across that damned bridge, some from behind the bridge as well. 

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Fucking fucker shit fuck.” Garrus lost count of how many times he's cursed the past three hours. He was amazed he's been able to keep up this long.

A large part of him hated to think about it but if his team were alive, he would have run out of ammo by now and they might all be dead.

Garrus ducked down as bullet's came hurtling towards him. He stayed undercover, even after the firing subsided. He hung his head, refusing to look at the dead squad members around him. He didn't know what to do, he was _stuck_.

Garrus Vakarian was admitting defeat.

He took a deep breath and activated his omnitool, establishing a comm link with his father. Garrus picked up the sniper rifle and pulled out of cover, starting to shoot again as his father answered.

“ _Garrus! Where have you—_ ”

“I'm sorry, father. I'm so _fucking_ sorry about everything. I've ignored you, I've yelled at you, I've even talked trash about you while I worked at C-sec—”

“ _Hey—_ ”

“I need you to know that no matter what I've said, what I've done… what you've heard or will hear… I love you.” Garrus shot down another merc and hid in cover, “Tell Sol... tell Sol I'm sorry, that I love her and—” Garrus turned his head when he heard the doors of the bunker start to be melted through.

“Fa— father… I—”

“ _Garrus_ ,” His father's voice was the only thing he heard, even over the rush of bullets and melting metal, “ _Forget. About. It. Finish up target practice and get back to Palaven so we can talk._ ” Garrus came out of cover, shooting another merc and froze when he saw familiar face through his scope. His mandibles flared, his heart skipping a beat as he saw those piercing green eyes stare up towards him, her signature smirk forming on her lips as she cracked her knuckles and pulled out her shotgun.

“ _Garrus?_ ”

“I'll return home when I can, Father,” Garrus' mandibles twitched into a smirk, shooting at a merc that stood behind the familiar figure, “The odds just got a lot better.”


	4. Wasting Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [After Dossier: Archangel] Shepard goes back to her cabin after knowing Garrus is in good hands with Doctor Chakwas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: T  
> Rating: E  
> Characters: Shepard, Garrus, Zenees M'Kili, Chakwas, Miranda, Joker  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

Shepard stared down at the unconscious turian, Garrus Vakarian. She wouldn't lie, she was worried sick about him. He need to make it through this, not just for himself — Garrus Vakarian is **not** allowed to die this way — but mostly so she could kick his ass for this. She didn't understand this at all. Garrus always had a secondary plan, a way out if things ever went south... He should have had a plan if his base was ever compromised... So why the hell _didn't_ he?

“Garrus will be fine, Commander.” Chakwas had told her over and over again since arriving back on the Normandy. She had fixed him up quickly and without any major problems. His right mandible was now partially cybernetic and would be bandaged up for at least eight to twelve months, unless he decides he _wants_ his mandible to fall off and removes the patch. Shepard might just do it for him. She couldn't wrap her head around what just happened on Omega — she didn't think she could, not until Garrus explained everything to her.

Zenees walked up behind Shepard, a worried expression on her face, “I know he's going to be okay but... I _hate_ seeing him like this.” 

Zenees had agreed to join the Normandy crew, C-Sec wasn't always her first choice anyhow, even if Miranda and The Illusive Man weren't too happy on the added squad-mate that wasn't hand picked by Cerberus' top operatives.

“Me too.” Shepard agreed, turning her head to look at Zenees. “But how are you holding up? Any trouble with the crew?”

“I think they know not to mess with me.” Zenees shrugged, moving over to the empty bed next to Garrus and sitting atop it, “Or at least they're keeping it very hush-hush. I'm pretty sure a lot of your crew has never seen an asari before, or any other 'alien' species for the matter.”

“If it were up to me,” Shepard moved next to Zenees, leaning her rear against the bed. “These people wouldn't be on this ship... _My_ ship. I don't like Cerberus, I don't trust 'em.”

“Well,” Zenees smiled and nudged Shepard's shoulder with her arm, “It's a good thing Garrus and I are aboard than.”

Shepard turned her head and smiled at the asari. “I'm glad that you're officially part of the crew, Zenees.”

She smiled back, “Me too, Commander. Garrus always spoke highly of you — I swear, he put you on a damn pedestal, Shepard. You were like a God to him, he wanted to be just like you— well, not literally, because that would be _really_ awkward.”

“Why would he want to be like me?” Shepard turned her head back to Garrus, “I'm the last thing he would want to be like.”

“I dunno, Commander.” Zenees shrugged, “You're confident, devoted, loyal, lovable, mature, grouchy, sassy, charming, beautiful, intelligent, inventive, direct, passionate—”

“Exactly how much has Garrus spoke of me?” Shepard smirked, raising an eyebrow.

“I've heard stories from all around, Commander, even before I met Garrus. He just confirmed what I already thought.” Zenees pulled her knees up to her chest and smiled at Shepard.

Shepard's smirk changed into an embarrassed smile, turning her head to look back at Garrus, “I—”

“Commander,” Miranda walked into the medbay, her arms crossed and a scowl on her face, “A word?”

“Of course, Miranda.” Shepard inwardly screamed as she stood up straight, she looked over at Zenees as she walked out with Miranda, “Make sure Chakwas give's him the okay before he walks out of here.”

Zenees nodded to her, “Aye, Aye, Commander.”

“What is it, Miranda?” Shepard asked once they stood in front of the elevator.

“I don't approve of _your_ new squad mate.” Miranda's lips thinned as she spoke of Zenees, “We know nothing about her. She wasn't part of the dossier list the Illusive Man gave you.”

“Neither were you.” Shepard crossed her arms, glaring at Miranda, “Zenees is staying on _my_ team. If you're not okay with me bringing her on missions, you can stay on the Normandy.” Miranda hardened her glare, crossing her own arms to challenge Shepard.

“Remember who you brought back, Miranda.” Shepard pushed past Miranda and walked into the mess hall. She pulled out a beer from the fridge and returned back to the elevator, Miranda had already left. She walked in, pressing the holo button to her cabin and waited.

“EDI?” Shepard called out once the elevator started to move.

“Yes, Shepard?” EDI's interface showed up next to the elevator door on her own platform.

“I don't want to be disturbed in my cabin. If someone needs to talk, tell them to comm me, but if someone needs to see me, let me know.” Shepard stepped out of the elevator as EDI replied.

“Understood, Shepard.” EDI's interface faded when the elevator closed. Shepard walked into her cabin, her eyes squinting to adjust to the sudden brightness. Shepard moved over to the console on her desk and adjusted the brightness of the room, making it almost pitch blank. The fishtanks lights brightened the cabin, letting Shepard still roam without worrying about bumping into something.

“ _How's our turian rocket-face doing?_ ” Joker's voice sounded on the intercom in her room as she opened her beer.

“He'll be fine.” Shepard grumbled, falling onto her sofa and drinking the beer.

“ _I'm guessing not for long._ ” Joker snorted, “ _Heard about the brief hiccup in the mission—_ ”

“Not now, Joker.” Shepard mumbled, “Please.”

“ _Understood, Commander._ ” Joker cleared this throat, “ _But I will be bringing this up when you're in a better mood._ ”

Shepard shook her head, a smile forcing it's way onto her lips, “Understood, Joker.”

The cabin fell silence once Joker's voice faded. She's never been use to the silence; There was always someone yelling, laughing, talking, some form of action going on around her. Bullet's, explosions, geth noises, it was never a good thing when it was this silent. Even the fish tank was soundproofed, which pissed her off to no end. Shepard continued drinking her beer until it was empty. Shepard glared down at the empty beer bottle as she pulled her knees up to her chest. Her room felt odd, too open for her liking. She didn't like how bright it was, she didn't like the stupid window that showed her the rest of the galaxy, she didn't like that it was Cerberus who recreated the Normandy and brought her back. She missed the old Normandy, she missed her old crew. She didn't trust Jacob, or Miranda, she trusted EDI more than she would ever trust anyone else on this damn Cerberus vessel.

“ _Shepard_ ,” EDI's interface popped up on the coffee table, “ _Zenees M'Kili wished me to inform you that Officer Vakarian is now awake and, if you wish to speak with him, will be settling into the Main Battery._ ”

“Zenees is still choosing to crash in the Shuttle Bay?” Shepard asked, leaning back onto the couch.

“ _Yes, Shepard._ ”

“That'll be all, EDI.” Shepard nodded to the interface before it faded back into the coffee table. Shepard brought the beer to her lips, drinking the last of it, before setting it on the coffee table and heading out the door to get Mordin.


	5. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Summary: Shepard checks up on Garrus in the main battery. [Before Dossier: The Warlord, last squad member to recruit.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I See You Again  
> Chapter 5: Pieces  
> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: T  
> Rating: E  
> Characters: Shepard, Garrus, Joker  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

“I see you finally got rid of that crappy C-Sec armor.” Shepard walked into the Main Battery as Garrus tapped away on main console.

“Not like it was any better than what you use to make the whole crew wear,” Garrus turned around to face Shepard once the doors slide shut behind her, “I mean — _really_ , Shepard? It's one thing to wear crap armor that shields us but another thing to wear crap armor that doesn't shield us but also makes us stand out in a firefight.”

“Hey!” Shepard moved over to the railing behind the console and crossed her arms, “The Phoenix armor was beautiful—”

“It was an eyesore—”

“Powerful—”

“Wrex fell unconscious at least three times per mission—”

“And the shields held up in a firefight—”

“ _If_ your species knows how to duck.” Garrus chuckled, “Can't say Wrex knows how to. And _duck_ isn't in the turian dictionary either.”

“Hm... Agreed.” Shepard pulled herself on top of the railing, “Turians _hide_ , run away to the furthest part of the galaxy for two years, throw away their duties and start up a merc band.” Garrus' mandibles pressed to his jaw as he looked down. He knew Shepard would be bringing it up soon, he figured she'd been personally avoiding bringing this up because it hurts both of them... her most of all. Even on missions when Kasumi or Miranda brought up why Garrus decided not to become a Spectre, Shepard would quickly change the subject and tell everyone to stay focused. _Very harshly_. Himself, and whoever is with them, always does a double-take when Shepard speaks with such hostility towards them — she never used _that_ harsh of a tone with Miranda.

Shepard rubbed the back of her neck, looking to the side, “Garrus... what the hell happened?”

“Things happened, Shepard... Things I wasn't ready for.” His voice became thick, glaring down at the console in front of him.

“What happened?” Shepard leaned forward a little, her voice soft.

“My mother... About two months after you were reported MIA, she developed Corpalis Syndrome — it's a rare turian disease, kind of like Alzheimer's disease for you humans but faster and... deadlier.”

“Weren't Grayboxes originally designed for cases involving neurological degeneration?” Shepard pushed herself off of the railing to lean forward against the main console between them.

“For humans, yes. Corpalis Syndrome is so rare with turians... it isn't our top priority to look for a cure.” Garrus' mandibles pressed against his jaw as he looked at Shepard.

“And this caused you to forget about everything?” Shepard tilted her head down. “Leave the Citadel, leave everything you worked so hard for behind?”

“... One of the few reasons I left, yes.” Garrus admitted.

“Why didn't you go back to Palaven, than? Help your family?”

“It wasn't that easy. My dad— he wasn't too happy about me working towards becoming a Spectre, then being picked to become one then... running away, and— and Sol, my sister, she wasn't happy about me running around the galaxy, chasing down a rogue _turian_ Spectre — not even adding that it was a human vessel I was aboard—”

“I never knew you had a sister, Garrus... You never really talked about your family.” Shepard looked to the side, frowning, “I had always assumed it was because you knew about Mindoir.”

“That is a big part of why I never bring them up.”

“The other being family issues?” Shepard looked back at Garrus.

“Yeah.” Garrus sighed, turning his head away.

“Okay,” Shepard nodded, “Going back to why you ran away from being a Spectre—”

“Shepard,” Garrus sighed again, turning towards the door, “Can you...  _we_ just not talk about it.”

“I could have used your help, Vakarian.” Shepard moved around the console, into his line of sight, “If you became a Spectre, the Council wouldn't have put the Reapers on the back burner— call them made up and me delusional and unfit to be a soldier.”

“You aren't even a Spectre anymore, Shepard.” Garrus glared down at her, “You can't judge me.”

“ _Excuse me_?” Shepard took a step back, shocked, “I had to option to be reinstated—”

“And you told them to shove it!”

“Would you have done differently?” Shepard raised her voice, “They don't like me— they don't like _humans_! If it was _you_  who became a Spectre, if it was _you_ who hunted down Saren, I can very well assure you they _would_ have listened!”

“I wouldn't have burned that bridge, Shepard! They might have helped—”

“No, Garrus, they wouldn't have. Humanity is the last thing they will ever worry about. The Collectors are taking my people— I've proven that to them, but they _do not_ care because it's humans! If it was turians, asari, or even fucking salarians, you very well know that they would be doing something!” Shepard slammed her fist on the holo button on the door, it sliding open. Shepard turned around and headed out the door.

“Oh, and one more thing, Vakarian,” Shepard turned her head, her eyes narrowing, “ _You_ don't get to judge _me_. I didn't have a choice in becoming a Spectre, I didn't have an option to run and play when the galaxy needed someone. I didn't get the luxury in getting two years off to have a mental breakdown — _instead_ , I had the luxury of suffocating, alone and helpless, hurtling into the side of a planet. The last thing I saw was the Normandy blowing up, the dead bodies of my crew floating around me.” Garrus' mandibles flared, his face even harder to read than normal as Shepard continued.

“When you have the luxury to turn down the Council for calling you a lunatic, making you feel like no matter what you do, no matter how much proof you have or how many of your own people you've sacrificed and how many of the galaxies people you’ve saved, how many people you have backing up your claim, that you _and your race_ still don't matter... Until then, Vakarian, don't you _dare_ judge _me_.”

The doors shut when she turned fully around to glare at Garrus, her scars had become more dominate on her features, a slight red glow emanating from under her skin. Garrus felt himself shiver with that glare, he'd never seen Shepard look at him with such hatred, annoyance and distain. Garrus turned back to the console and locked the door, the green holo button turned red. Garrus walked over to his cot that laid against the wall, falling back onto it and pulling his visor off. He looked at the few names he had engraved inside his visor.

_Sitiria – Gaius – Solana – Shepard_

He had thought, many times, about burning out Shepard's name the past two years. Before he saw her, he knew he failed her — Not just with running away from becoming a Spectre. If he hadn't decided to become a Spectre, he would have been on the Normandy, he could have saved her. Joker had assured him, many times, that he couldn't have — that Shepard wouldn't have needed saving if he'd just accepted that the Normandy couldn't have been saved. He even asked Garrus if he was mad at him when he arrived back on the Normandy.

“It's my fault.” He had told the turian, “If I wasn't so stubborn— if— if I had just abandoned that damned ship when everyone else did... she wouldn't have died.”

“You're right.” Garrus had agreed. “She wouldn't have.”

“You mad at me now, Garrus? I don't blame you if you are.” Joker looked down. “I blamed myself everyday. Flying was the only time when I couldn't think about it.”

“Then they grounded you... and it was all you could think about.”

“Yeah.” Joker nodded, “You?”

“Almost the same. Except I never stopped wondering if I could have made a difference.”

“I see you two are catching up.” Shepard had walked up behind Garrus, ending the previous conversation they were having.

Garrus sighed setting the visor down on the crate above his head. He needed to work things out with Shepard. He hadn't seen her in two years, he thought she was dead only a month ago, he didn't want bad blood between them. He wanted things back to how they use to be, he _needed_ them back how they use to be. Before she passed, they had daily routine — they'd send a message at least once a day, just so the other knew what was going on. They'd video chat at least twice a week, never missing a day. He didn't even realize it was a routine until he started writing a message to Shepard the next day, even though he knew she'd never see it. Shepard would unload about how boring going around the Terminus was, they had gotten rid of the last of the geth the first week and since then it was just free flying with restocking every week. She would talk about needing to brush up on her sniping skills and would challenge Garrus.

_The next time I see you, we're going to a shooting range. I need to shoot at something and seeing as there is a sudden shortage of geth, a metal board will have to do._

Garrus sighed, sitting up to take apart his armor. He needed to sleep, they weren't arriving to the Eagle Nebula for another 12 hours. He might as well get some shut eye. He activated his omnitool and dimmed the lights as he laid back on the cot. He'll figure things out with Shepard tomorrow, right now he was drained, and his face wasn't feeling that great either.


	6. Lost In You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Summary: [Before Priority: Horizon] [Slight NSFW]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: T/M  
> Rating: E  
> Characters: Shepard, Garrus, EDI, Joker, The Illusive Man  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

“Shepard?” EDI's interface popped up on her coffee table as Shepard sat down on her couch. “Officer Vakarian wishes to speak with you, privately.”

Shepard glared down at the empty beer bottle in her hands, frowning. She hadn’t talked to Garrus since their last conversation, or 'argument' as Joker had called it, in the main battery.

Shepard grunted, “Tell him to come up.”

“Very well, Shepard.” EDI's interface disappeared down into the table, leaving Shepard alone with her thoughts. Shepard shook her head, cursing in her mind about her old friend. She couldn't believe when she heard he ran off, completely fell off the grid. She didn’t want to believe Joker when he told her, but then hearing it from Zenees, Anderson _and_ the damn Council... He was going to become a Spectre, he could have kept up the pressure with the Reapers, make the Council see reason and they could been preparing after her death. Shepard's grip tightening around the beer bottle, her glare hardening, her knuckles turning white. He ran. He fucking ran, leaving everything and everyone. How could he? How _could_ he? How the hell cou—

“Shepard?”

Shepard's hand balling into a fist when she heard his voice, breaking the beer bottle in her palm. She hissed, clenching her teeth together and grabbing her palm with her other hand. She opened her palm and stared down at her hand, cursing under her breath as Garrus quickly walked over and examined her.

“I'm fine.” Shepard hissed, standing up and pushing past Garrus. She walked into her bathroom and started cleaning the wound, “What did you need to talk about, Vakarian?”

“Look, if I did something wrong — I’m sorry. I can’t change that it’s already happened though, Shepard.” Garrus' voice went on the defensive.

“You _did_ do something wrong, Vakarian.” Shepard sucked on her teeth as she pulled out a shard from her palm, “You disappeared for two years, leaving people that needed you behind. You walked away from becoming a Spectre because of your mother, which I would have completely understood if you went back to Palaven and helped your goddamn family, but no — _Instead_ , you went off to Omega and decided to cleanse the station of bad people.”

“You kn—”

“A little voice in the back of my head was yelling at me to find you, figure out _exactly_ the reason why you left because I felt like it was my fault.” Shepard growled, pulling out another shard, “If I hadn’t have died you would have still become a Spectre.”

“You give yourself too much credit.” Garrus mumbled, glaring towards the bathroom.

“Tell me I’m lying, Garrus.” Shepard hissed, turning her head to look out of the bathroom, “Tell me the reason you left was because you didn’t know how to handle your mother becoming sick — **_not_** because someone died!”

“It wasn't just _someone—_ It was _you_!” Garrus walked up the stairs, moving into the bathroom.

“So?” Shepard glared down at the blood running down the drain, “I'm just a person, Garrus! People die, I could have died long ago! Either from the slavers on Mindoir or the Thresher Maw on Akuze, the battle on the fucking Citadel—”

“It’s different!” Garrus raised his voice, standing behind Shepard in the bathroom, “This was _you_! _My_ Commanding Officer! _My **friend**_! My _best_ friend! The person I looked to for guidance! It wouldn't have felt right to—”

“What made you think it wouldn't be right for you to become a Spectre?” Shepard turned around, ignoring the small droplets of blood that fell from her fingers, raising her voice as well, “You _deserved_ it, Garrus! You worked your ass off, from the moment I met you, to prove yourself to the galaxy— to your father—”

“Don't bring him into this—”

“You are an amazing soldier, Vakarian! You would have been an amazing Spectre too, but after seeing you on Omega, your own squad dead because of your own stupid mindset that you need to get rid of evil or whatever—”

“—Shepard!” Garrus pushed her against the sink, his arms blocking her exit, “ **Stop**.”

“What?” Her voice was hard as she continued to yell, “Why the fuck did you run, Vakarian?”

“You were gone, Shepard! I wouldn't have been where I was without you!”

“You could have continued without me, Garrus!” Shepard turned her head down, “You _should_ have!”

“You left—”

“I didn't _leave_ , Garrus — I _died_!” Shepard yelled over him, their eyes meeting. The bathroom fell almost to complete silence, the only sound that could be heard was Shepard's uneven breathes. Both refused to break eye contact, their glares tearing into each others souls. Her chest rose and fell as she tried to control her anger, teeth clenched together.

“Say it, Vakarian.”

His eyes narrowed, “No.”

“I died.“

“ _No_.”

“Shepard died.”

“ _No_.”

“I died, Garrus!”

“ **No**!” Garrus' voice shook as he bowed his head, breaking contact. He shut his eyes, his sub vocals hummed with heartbreak as he spoke, “No... you... you didn't _just_ die, Shepard. Everything... Everything that involved you — _died_... nothing mattered anymore... I didn't want to become a Spectre anymore, I didn't want to see everyone again... I just... I didn't... I _couldn't_ —” Shepard’s lips opened slightly, lightly graze her fingers against his mandibles. She was careful with his bandaged one, not applying much pressure but enough for him to know she was here, _alive._

“Shepard,” He breathed, looking down at her, “I…”

Shepard was hesitant as she pulled him down, pressing her forehead against his. Her fingers still grazed against his mandibles, Garrus shut his eyes. He tried holding in his approval, straining to keep the small purring from erupted from his throat as Shepard continued.

He leaned down, his lips on her, blood from her palm smearing against his neck as she slid her hand around, massaging the skin between his plates. Garrus pulled Shepard up by her thighs, her legs wrapping around his waist as he set her down on the sink. Their lips met in urgency, but melted into slow passionate kisses. Garrus' hands moved under Shepard's tank, talons brushing along unscarred flesh as their bodies pressed close together, not a breath of space between them. It was easy to lose himself in the kiss, the small sounds escaping from Shepard's lips, caught between them. His sub vocals, which once thrummed with heartbreak, thrummed with passion and lust. His talons raked lightly against Shepard's waist as he ducked down. Nuzzling against Shepard's neck, his teeth scraping over the soft flesh. She arched into the touch, making Garrus purr against her skin.

“ _Garrus_...” Shepard breathed, her fingers gripping onto the back of his neck, “We— we shouldn't—”

“Tell me to stop,” He moved back up, leaning his forehead against hers, “And I will.” Shepard looked up into Garrus eyes, seeing the need and passion in them, but also the sadness and loneliness he's kept bottled up the last two years. As much as he needed this, as much as they both did, she couldn't. She would be taking advantage of him and she couldn't live with herself if she took him like this.

She leaned towards Garrus, chewing on her bottom lip, “I— I don’t— I want you—”

“ _Commander?_ ” Joker's voice sounded over the comm, “ _Message from the The Illusive Man. You want me to patch it to the comm room or…?_ ”

Shepard watched Garrus as he released her, stalking out of the bathroom, “Set it up in the comm room, Joker... I'll be there in a few minutes.”

“ _Aye, aye, Commander._ ”

Shepard followed Garrus out of the bathroom, “Garrus, wait! You didn’t hear—”

“We'll talk later... Commander.” Garrus looked back at Shepard, his face completely unreadable, before leaving her cabin.

“Joker?” Shepard frowned, looking down at her now healed hand.

_Cerberus Cybernetics at their finest._

“ _Yessss?_ ” His voice sang over the comm.

“Just patch him through here.” Shepard moved over to her personal terminal and accessed the link.

“ _Of course..._ _ **Commander**_ _._ ” Shepard glared up at the ceiling, her nose scrunching up in annoyance as Joker chuckled.

“ _Shepard,_ ” The Illusive Man came up on her model ships display case, the room dimming as the screen appeared, “ _I think we have them! Horizon — one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems — just went silent._ ”

The Illusive Man held a cigarette between his lips as he spoke, “ _If it isn't under attack, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?_ ”

“Not yet,” Shepard spoke, crossing her arms, “I was about to go check on him.”

“ _Let's hope he works well under pressure,_ ” The Illusive Man looked at Shepard with disgust, quickly shrugging it off as he continued, “ _There's something else you should know._ ”

“Oh?” Shepard straightened up.

The Illusive Man took the cigarette from between his teeth, blowing out smoke, “ _One of your former crew mates, Kaidan Alenko, is stationed on Horizon._ ”

“W— What?” Shepard furrowing her brows, “Last I knew, Kaidan was Alliance. Why is he out in the Terminus?”

“ _'Officially,_ '” The Illusive Man used air quotations, “ _It's an outreach program to improve Alliance relations with the colonies. But they're up to something_ — _a_ _nd if they sent Commander Alenko, it must be big._ ”

“Commander?” Shepard's eyebrows raised.

“ _He was promoted while you were..._ _ **gone**_ _._ ” The Illusive Man placed the cigarette between his lips again, taking a drag.

“Ah.” Shepard pursed her lips, glaring down at the ground as she crossed her arms, “Send the coordinates. We'll head straight there.”

“ _This is the most warning we've ever had, Shepard. Good luck._ ”


	7. Already Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Summary: [During Priority: Horizon]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: T  
> Rating: E  
> Characters: Kaidan, Shepard, Garrus, Zenees, Joker  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

“Half the colony is in there!” Delan ran out from where he was hiding, watching as the Collector ship took off, “They took Egan and Sam and— and Lilith! Do something!”

“I— I can't— there isn't anything else I can—” Shepard ran a hand through her hair, frowning at the now empty sky.

“There wasn't anything else you could do, Shepard.” Zenees walked up next to Shepard, looking up at the sky. Garrus' mandibles pressed together as he watched the smoke recede around the colony.

“ _Shepard_? Wait... I know that name.” Delan's eyes narrowed as he looked at the group, “Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero.”

“Commander Shepard.” Kaidan walked into the clearing, his lips thinning as he saw Shepard turn to him, “Captain of the Normandy. The first Human Spectre... Savior of the Citadel.”

Kaidan stood a ways from Shepard and her crew, a few feet next to Delan, “You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost.”

Delan crossed his arms and shook his head, “All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types.” Delan waved his arm at them before leaving, mumbling about finding a new colony to live on. Shepard turned her attention to Kaidan as he, hesitantly, took a step forward. He forced himself to walk up to her, bringing his hand up to rest against her cheek.

“Shepard...” He sadly smiled, pulling her into a hug. Shepard hid her frown, wrapping her arms around Kaidan. A part of her was happy to see him, happy to see he was alive and well, and another part wanted to push him away, not lead him on into thinking—

“I thought you were dead, Shepard.” Kaidan pulled away, his arms falling to his side as he shrugged, “We all did.”

“I am— _was_...” Shepard shook her head, quickly bit the inside of her cheek to knock her out of her own awkwardness, “But, you don't sound happy to see me, Kaidan. What's wrong?”

“Yeah, something's bothering me.” His body tensed as he spoke quickly, taking another step back to glare at Shepard, “I spent the last two years believing you were dead!”

“A lot of people did.” Shepard furrowed her brows, “Both the people you see behind me believed I was dead. So did, Anderson, Joker, the Council—”

“I thought we had something, Shepard.” He shook his head, closing his eyes, “Something... _real_. I— I love you.” Shepard looked down when Kaidan took another step towards her.

“Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?” Shepard's head snapped up, face red with anger.

“Pardon me? Put _you_ through? Kaidan, can you even imagine what _I_ went through! I was spaced— I fell into the side of a planet!” Shepard poked his chest, glaring up at him, “Honestly, worrying about you and what me dying put you through was the last thing on my mind since waking up— and you could have messaged _me_ , Kaidan! Anderson let me know that you knew I was alive—”

“You're working for Cerberus!” Kaidan raised his voice, “How could I be sure it was even you?”

“Now you know!” Shepard waved a hand in front of his face, “I'm not a ghost, I'm not a Cerberus puppet—”

“You could have fooled me.” Kaidan glared, crossing his arms, “Before you showed up I thought the Alliance was right, that Cerberus was behind the missing colonies. The only reason I agreed to come here was because it was rumored Cerberus was targeting this colony next... and it was.”

“But it's _not_ by Cerberus.” Shepard crossed her own arms, glaring back.

“Cerberus is still the enemy.” He replied back.

“Cerberus is right for once— we just want our colonies to be safe! Both the Alliance and the damn Council are ignoring the threat!” Shepard uncrossed her arms, shaking her head, “I don't know why I'm trying to defend myself. You'll never see reason, Commander Alenko.”

“If you really believe that, than I feel sorry for you.” Kaidan uncrossed his arms, looking back at Garrus, “You working for Cerberus too, Garrus?”

“I'm working for Shepard.” Garrus took a step forward, “You're so blind, Kaidan. You just saw the Collectors and you still believe Cerberus is the enemy.”

“Cerberus _is_ the enemy.” Kaidan repeated himself and took a step towards Shepard, looking back at her, “You've turned your back on everything we believe in. You betrayed the Alliance... worst of all, you betrayed me.”

Shepard straightened up, “You wanna know what's funny, Alenko? You're the only Alliance soldier I've come across that doesn't agree with what I'm doing. Hackett has given me his support, Chakwas gave me hers, Anderson gave me his— hell, even _Udina_ is proud that someone is doing something! I've received message after message from a mother, husband, wife, daughter, father, son, sister, brother asking—  _begging_ for me to bring back their loved ones! Because the damn _Alliance_ is the one that has turned their back on their own people!” By the time Shepard finished, she was standing on her toes, inches from Kaidan's face. Kaidan frowned, but didn't move, scanning Shepard's eyes.

“You can say whatever you want about me, Kaidan. I don't care anymore... I'm _done_ with you.” Shepard sighed, moving away from him. She pressed her index finger to her earpiece, staring blankly at Kaidan, “Joker. Send the shuttle to pick us up... I've had enough of this place.”

“ _Aye, aye, Comman_ _der._ ” Shepard watched Kaidan leave. She could see he was forcing himself to not look back and, in a weird way, it was oddly satisfying.

“I don't like him.” Zenees frowned and resting her elbow on Shepard's shoulder, leaning on her, “I can't believe you slept with him, Shepard.”

Shepard looked past Zenees as Garrus stepped up next to the asari, a hidden smirk on her face, “Where'd you hear that, Zenees?”

Zenees smirked and looked with Shepard at Garrus, “Oh, you know...  _around_.”

“I think I hear the shuttle— do you hear it? I hear it.” Garrus walked toward the small opening in the field as Shepard and Zenees laughed behind him.


	8. Death of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: T  
> Rating: E  
> Chapter Summary: [After Horizon] [Before Dossier: Tali] Shepard is plagued by nightmares.  
> Characters: Shepard, Ashley Williams, Joker, EDI  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

Shepard stood in the darkness. No light, no sound, no movement. She took a step forward and heard cracking. Looking down, she saw the cracking ground and a red glow radiating from under the cracks. She gasped, sprinting away from the cracks. The ground below her shook, Shepard occasionally losing her balance until the ground below caved in. Shepard grabbed onto the edges of the ground, keeping herself from falling into the bright red glow.

“H— Help!” Shepard yelled, clawing at the ground to pull herself up. She looked over her shoulder and gasped. The Normandy was being attacked. She watched as the Collector's beams broke through her ship. She could see herself walking through the CIC to get to Joker.

“Commander!” Shepard whipped her head around to see Ashley reaching out to her, “Grab my hand!”

Shepard froze and pulled her hand back from Ashley.

“Commander!” Her voice was panicked behind her helmet, Shepard could see tears in her eyes, “You can't die like this, Commander! Take my—  ** _Commander_**!” Shepard screamed as the last of the ground broke away, plummeting into the Normandy.

“Joker!” Shepard ran over to him, “The Normandy is going down— Come on!” She looked down at herself, back in her N7 armor from that day. She shook her head and ignored Joker as he argued, grabbing onto his arm, “No time for debate! Come on!”

“Argh!” Joker hissed as Shepard helped him up, “Watch the arm!” Shepard helped him walk to the escape pod, opening the door and helping him in. She took a few steps back and looked through the CIC to see the Collector beam coming towards her. She moved quickly, moving back over to the escape pod but the doors had shut.

“Joker!”

“Commander! Th— The doors! **_Commander_**!” Shepard was blown back by an explosion. As her body moved away from the escape pod she pressed the exterior launch and looked at Joker through the small window on the door.

“ ** _Commander_**!” Joker banged against the door as his pod launched. Shepard's body twisted as another explosion threw her from the ship, her back hitting the edge of a wall. She screamed, blind from the pain as she tried to move her legs around. Paralyzed. Shepard tried calming her breathes as she focused her eyesight around her. A few of the dead crew members bodies floated around her as she watched the Normandy's final few explosions. Taking another breath, she realized that her suits oxygen wasn't circulating. She reached behind her, her legs floating under her as she thrashed around in space. Her eyesight was going, her lungs were burning, everything hurt. Shepard pulled at the tubes from her armor to her helmet, trying to clamp the opened tube. She couldn't breathe, couldn't see, and soon…

**_Shepard_ _is dead!_ **

_No— she's alive!_

**_She's_   _dead, Vakarian!_ **

_No!_

**I died, Garrus!**

_NO!_

**Shepard died!**

“ **No**!” Shepard screamed as she shot up from bed, her body covered in a thick layer of cold sweat, her blanket thrown across the ground and her bed sheets tussled up. Shepard's hands went straight behind her, looking for that stray tube that was suffocating her in her dream. She clawed at her shirt, her brain not comprehending she wasn't in immediate danger nor that the SR1 was not being blown apart around her.

“ _Shepard?_ ”

Shepard took a sharp intake of break, her hands stuck where they were as her eyes finally focused around her. She was aboard the SR2. She was with Cerberus. She wasn't being spaced. She was safe. She wasn't suffocating. She was breathing. She was fine. She was okay. She wasn't dead.

“ _Uhh... Commander?_ ” Joker spoke over the intercom again.

“What... Oh, y— yeah... Joker? What's up?” Shepard fell back onto the bed, her arms falling limp beside her. Her mind buzzed, her eyes wide in discomfort as she tried to calm herself. Nothing made sense, yet everything did. Nothing felt right, but everything was right. Shepard... Shepard's dead. So... who was she?

“ _We'll be arriving in the Far Rim in_ _three hours, getting to_ _Haestrom_ _will add another fifteen minutes_ _._ ”

“Understood, Joker.” Shepard let out a breath, curling onto her side. She knew Joker hadn't turned off the comm when the humming didn’t fade. She figured he would bring up Kaidan sooner or later. She would prefer later at this moment but…

 _Might as well get it over with_ , she thought.

“ _Commander_ ,” Joker sighed, “ _... I'm sorry_.” Shepard moved her head to stare out through the window above her bed, she watched the stars as Joker continued.

“ _Everyone's been thinking about themselves since you... you've come back. Kaidan— what he said— was..._ _ **wrong**_ _._ _I don't know..._ _I can't..._ _Just... ugh— No one can tell you that you dying was shit for them._ _ **No one**_ _. You died, you were killed. If anyone says anything about how much you put them through just... ugh!_ _I hate words! Just... Shepard, I—”_

“Please, Joker, don't get all mushy on me.” Shepard lipped tugged into a small smile as she continued to stare out of the window.

“ _N— No— that's not—_ _It's just—_ ”

“I know, Joker.” Shepard sighed, the smile never leaving her face, “And thank you.”

“ _Well, a_ _l_ _r_ _ight._ ” Joker hummed, “ _And_ _..._ _you're welcome._ ” Shepard waited once she heard the humming from the intercom was gone, meaning Joker was also gone. Leaving her alone in this horribly bright room. She needed to figure out a way to permanently change the dim settings in her cabin.

“EDI? Can you shut off all lights in my cabin? The fish tank included?” Shepard waited for EDI's confirmation, the lights dimming until completely gone was it.

“ _Anything else?_ ”

“No, EDI.” Shepard's once smile formed into a frown, watching the gusts of space push across the glass, “That will be all.”

“ _Logging you out, Shepard._ ”


	9. Darkest Part Of Me [Part 1 & 2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fandom: Mass Effect  
> Chapter Rating: T  
> Rating: E  
> Chapter Summary: Lounging around the Normandy after picking up Tali. Heading to Bekenstein to help Kasumi.  
> Characters: Shepard, Miranda, Garrus, Zenees, Tali  
> Pairing: Garrus/FemShep

**[Part 1: Garrus]**

* * *

 “How have you been, Garrus?” Tali asked as she entered the main battery. Garrus was working on the installation of the Thannix Cannon at the console as Zenees was typing away at the Cannon's main console.

“Zenees?” Tali spoke, surprised, “I— I didn't realize you were aboard.”

Zenees smirked at her, winking at the quarian, “'Sup, sexy? Miss me?”

“Hardly.” Tali rolled her eyes behind her mask as Zenees pouted her lip and placed a hand over her heart.

“You still shutting me down, Tali? Even after our special night together?” Zenees turned to Tali.

“Special night?” Garrus cut in, pushing himself over the railing towards the two women.

Zenees crossed her arms and looked at Tali, leaning back onto the console, “About a month after you disappeared and the night before Tali returned to the fleet, we shared a... a _very_ _interesting_ night.”

Tali hummed, moving over to Zenees and leaning onto the console next to her, “It was a nice night. Did a lot of things I had never considered doing before.” Garrus watched the two women, both intrigued and confused. He never would have guessed Tali had a thing for Zenees. Though, he isn't all the surprised either. Zenees had admitted to him only a couple hours after meeting Tali that she liked the quarian and, maybe if he had stuck around, Tali would have admitted to him she liked her as well. She actually might have, he hadn't logged into his main personal terminal since leaving two years ago.

“Garrus?” Tali stood before him, waving a hand in front of his face.

“Hmm— what?”

“You alright, Garrus?” Zenees was working on the console again, focusing on the maintenance of the canon.

“Y— Yeah, fine, just... when the hell did—”

“The night before I left.” Tali shrugged, “We got matching tattoo's and had a girls night.”

“Wait, what?”

“What did you think we did, Garrus?” Zenees lifted her head to smirk at him, “Having some naughty thoughts in our presence?”

“N— No, I... I was just wondering how much I had missed— and wait, you got matching tattoo's?”

“Yeah!” Tali chirped, “Wanna see? Not mine, of course, but I'm sure Zenees will—”

“I gotta go.” Garrus quickly walked out of the main battery, leaving Zenees and Tali alone.

“Finally!” Zenees laughed, locking the door from the console, “I thought he'd never leave!”

Zenees pulled Tali to her, “How long do you think it'll take your system to readapt to contact with me?”

“Shut up and we'll find out.” Tali's finger trailed along Zenees' jawline.

Zenees nipped at her finger, “I've missed you, sexy.”

* * *

Garrus frowned at the lack of appetizing dextro food in the fridge, mumbling under his breath about Cerberus secretly plotting to kill him.

 _They better get some food now that Tali is on board... I should talk to Shepard about it._ Garrus pulled out pre-made goop and started to eat it.

 _Yup,_ Garrus forced himself to swallow, _This is hell_.

“Shepard, wait!”

Garrus turned his head when he saw Shepard stomp out of Miranda's office, her biotics glowing around her as she walked towards the elevator. Crap, what had Miranda done now. Shepard seemed to be pissed every time she talked to Miranda, something very few people liked and everyone else hated. When Shepard wasn't calm, things tended to break... or die.

“Shit.” Garrus threw the rest of the goop in the sink and walked after Shepard, who was already leaving the elevator into the cabin.

* * *

  **[Part 2: Shepard]**

* * *

_You have no idea what it's like to be perfect, Shepard._

When Miranda had said that, she walked out. No idea what it's like to be perfect? She wasn't exactly allowed to be anything _but_ perfect. Shepard wasn't allowed to make the wrong decision, she wasn't allowed to disappoint people— and when she does, shit like Horizon happens. People she cares about judge her, people who she thought were once her friends leave her, call her a traitor and blame her for everything wrong in the galaxy. Miranda thinks she so god damn perfect, but she isn't. Her biotic aren't half as good as Jack's, and even though Jack claims to be the most powerful biotic in the galaxy, Shepard's biotics trumped hers. Miranda thinks her genetics are a bad thing, having a father that gave her everything to make her _perfect_ is a bad thing — She flaunts her genetics whenever she gets the damn chance, than she changes her attitude behind closed doors and makes herself seem like the wounded party in her 'predicament'.

Shepard stalked into the elevator, slamming her hand against the holo-button for her cabin once the doors closed. Her biotics tingled against her skin, humming in her ears. She shook her head and walked out of the elevator, storming into her cabin before turning into her bathroom. She waited for both the doors to close shut before screaming at the top of her lungs, punching the mirror. The whole mirror cracked, but didn't break. A few pieces chipped off into Shepard's knuckles, through her biotics, her body shaking from anger as she glared at the broken mirror. Her voice shook as she brought her fist back and punched the mirror again, the same spot. The small shards dug deeper into her skin as she repeatedly punched the same spot, unsure if she was still screaming or not when a new voice showed up.

“ _Look at yourself._ ” A dark chuckle, a taunt, “ _Commander Shepard? Hah, what a joke. Look what you've become,_ _ **Commander**_ _. A tool, a pawn._ ”

Shepard's fist was firmly planted against the mirror as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. A bloody Shepard reflected back, her lips smeared in blood both blue, red, orange, white, light green, purple, and a twisted, sadistic image showed of herself — her scars glowed under the blood. Another laugh escaping her reflections lips before twisting into a arrogant smirk.

“ _Commander Shepard wouldn't have let Kaidan live on Horizon. She wouldn't have allowed him to speak to her like that and walk away — and he_ _ **knew**_ _it._ ” She laughed, her emerald eyes consumed by the fiery ruby red her scars emanated. “ _You are_ _ **not**_ _Commander Shepard._ ”

“Yes, I am!” She yelled back, the sound of the mirror cracking under her knuckles made Shepard flinch when she spoke.

“ _You are not!_ ” Her image snarled back, baring her teeth at Shepard. Sharp and blood stained. “ _ **I**_ _am. I am, Commander Shepard. Everyone on this damn ship would be dead right now if you_ _ **were**_ _Commander Shepard. Cerberus is the reason your whole unit on Akuze is dead — and here. You. Are. The Shepard that claims to be real, working for the enemy—_ ”

“I'm not working for them!” Shepard's voice shook, shutting her eyes. Memories of her squad being attacked flooded her mind. Silent, dark and calm one second, loud, bright and hectic the next. That Thresher Maw came out of _no where_ , even with the colony massacred beyond recognition, it wasn't obvious until after her squad was attacked by the Maw that it did this.

“ _You're on their ship. All of_ _the_ _ship_ _'_ _s crew_ _, excluding nine of your current squad mates, are Cerberus._ ” Her reflected leaned in, Shepard seeing the bright red glow of the scars start to show from under the quickly dried blood, “ _Every. Single._ _ **Damn.**_ _ **One.**_ ”

“No!” Shepard cried, “I don't work for them!”

“ _You could have_ _fooled me..._ ” Her reflections voice changed, as did her voice, switching to her former lover, “ _Commander._ ”

Shepard whimpered, clutching onto the sides of her head as she fell to her knees, “ **Go away**!”

“Shepard?” Her eyes snapped open once she heard his voice. Garrus walked into Shepard's cabin and called out to her again. Shepard fell back, scurrying over to the toilet and vomiting.

“Shepard?” Garrus stood outside of her bathroom, worry in his voice, “Everything okay?”

Shepard whimpered, falling back against the wall, “G— Garrus...”

She sounded horrible — _sickening_ — hearing herself made her want to vomit all over again. A Commanding Officer wasn't suppose to let her crew see her like this, much less let them stroll into her cabin whenever they very well please. Garrus was at her side before she realized it, picking her up and setting her down on the sink. She heard Garrus curse under his breath as he looked down at her knuckle's, quickly turning on the sink and running it under the water. He moved over to the first aid box that laid on the shelves in the opening next to her sink. He opened the box and pulled out surgical tweezers and gauze. He set the gauze and tweezers down on Shepard's lap, turning the water off.

“I never wanted you to see this...” Shepard mumbled, looking down at her hand as Garrus took it out from under the water and dried it off, “I don't know what this is— what's wrong with me... everything is just so...”

“New.” Garrus continued to focus on cleaning her wound, picking the tweezers up from her thigh and starting to pull out the small shards. He knew the cybernetics would be kicking in soon, he probably didn't even need to clean and dress the wound first, the implants might just push the shards out. But he didn't trust them enough to just leave the wound unattended, even when Shepard hurt her hand before she cleaned the wound.

Shepard's lips thinned, “I'm not adjusting well to this new life... I don't feel the same— I'm _not_ the same.”

“You think it has something to do with how you look?” Garrus offered, “You've— uhh...  _changed_ since I saw you two years ago.”

Shepard looked over at the broken mirror. The Shepard who stood in the mirror before had disappeared, now only her new image remained... distorted and unrecognizable to even herself. Her green eyes now showed three dull red circles around her iris, her once porcelain skin tinted a few shades darker with scars that glowed an unnatural red. Her once shaved red hair now cascaded past her shoulders, parts both wavy and curly. She couldn't remember the texture of her hair, she had shaved it only a few days after the batarians killed her colony and she's kept it shaved ever since.

“I've been trying to ignore it.” Shepard admitted, frowning, “I tend to ignore mirrors at all costs.”

“Well,” Garrus cleared his throat, continuing to clean the wound, “You may look different, but you're still beautiful.” Shepard hummed, acknowledging what he said but neither agreeing or disagreeing.

“Didn't Chakwas offer a way to fix your scars?” Garrus asked once he was finished, Shepard turning her head back to face him as he picked the gauze up from her thigh, “And shaving your hair off again is a pretty easy job.”

Shepard slightly nodded, humming again. Garrus' mandibles pressed against his jaw as he wrapped the gauze around Shepard's hand. He worked in silence, Shepard deep in thought as she watched Garrus' face. She wondered if he thought she was different from before... and not appearance wise.

“Garrus...” Shepard looked back over her shoulder at her reflection, “Am I Commander Shepard?”

“Of course you are.” He spoke, “Who else would you be?”

“...You know my history, Garrus. You know how I feel about Cerberus— not including the sick tests we stopped.”

“They killed your men on Akuze.” He looked at her once he finished, “I can't imagine how much it's killing you to work for these people, Shepard, but you know no one else is making the hard decision to take care of the Collectors — to protect the remaining colonies and bring back to humans who were already taken.”

Shepard turned her head back, meeting Garrus' gaze, “But is this... is this right? _Working_ for Cerberus?”

Garrus hummed, “Okay... think of it this way, Shepard. If salarians had brought you back and asked you to search for their missing colonists because the Council wasn't doing anything, would you?”

Shepard nodded.

“Turians?”

Another nod.

“Asari? Drell? Hanar?”

More nodding.

“No matter what, Shepard, you would be doing this. Yes, this is Cerberus and, yes, you're working _with_ them — but you aren't betraying anything, I'd let you know if you were and now that Tali is here, she would too.” Shepard looked down, raising her hand up and flexing her fingers, “You aren't doing anything wrong and whoever made you think you aren't Commander Shepard should be punched in the face... maybe shot in the leg a couple times too.”

“She was.” Shepard pushed herself off the sink and looked at the mirror before walking out of the bathroom.


End file.
